Faking it, hoping to be "making it" soon

I know I told everyone last night not to read my post. But wow is it weird to log in and literally see zero views. Nicely done, internet world. Nicely done. :)

I just finished a great read called Eat That Frog. It's a fairly popular book, so you may already know it's chalked full of tips and tricks to teach yourself not to procrastinate-- transforming regular people into super duper, high-performing mega humans.

Many times throughout, I thought about this blogging journey. So when I finished the book, I set it down and picked up my laptop to write. Nope, that's a total lie. I picked up my phone to play games (hey, that candy ain't gonna crush itself!). #Irony

It's hard to want to do something you aren't good at. And right now, I'm not good at this. Which, oddly enough, is exactly why I need to be doing it. *Insert toddler-like protest*

However. . .

At this point, I've waited too long, and I'm sleepy. Tomorrow's alarm is set for 5:15 (check out our church live-stream-style at 10:30), so I should head off to bed. I'll return later. . . I'm sure. :)

P.S. I'm not sure I want to be a super duper, high-performing mega human. I enjoy the thought of slowing down. Savoring. Being productive? Managing time well? Yes. But maybe not going 300 mph faster and more efficiently than everyone else. Maybe God wants more for me than speediness. Right now, I think He wants me to sleep, lol. G'night, friends.

Disorganized Snippets

Hello! If you're seeing this, it means you signed up to follow me. . . literally years ago. I was stunned tonight to log in and see how much time had passed since I first started and last wrote in this blog. Stunned. Time is truly a thief.

Anyway, welcome back. :) You have my full, complete, and total permission to stop reading right this very minute. I despise I'm-going-to-be-a-blogger posts. I have no such illusions. I understand it is a long haul. That there are ups and downs. That sometimes 2-1/2 years can pass before the next post, lol.

However, I have an old friend who has asked me to write for him, because he wants his content to be "great" (Is it silly that I'm completely intimidated by those 5 letters?). So I'm writing. Because the more I write, the better I get. This is a proven, identifiable fact in my life.

Also, this is a gifting. I know that. One I've allowed to rust. Why hasn't God closed the door on the "ark" of publication for my book? I don't know. I'm not even in the same stage of life I was when I finished it. So much would need to change. I think that experience has hurt my willingness to write. I need purpose, even if it's small. I don't have to reach thousands of women (though I so very badly wish that book would have accomplished that), but I do need purpose.

Honestly, I'm in this weird cross-roads-y part of my life. I'm not a stay-at-home mom anymore (insert absolute heartbreak), but I'm not really a working woman. Busyness interrupts my ability to be great as a mom, while wistfulness interferes with being great at my job. I have a foot on each side of the fence, and I'm discontent.

What I long to do is sit at the feet of Jesus and hold fast while the world whisks around me. I want Him to fix things while I rest with Him. But He doesn't work that way. I'm pushed from my comfort zone into the mix-up of life. And I need to live in the tension.

Be a wife.
Be a mom.
Be a friend.
Be a boss.
Be a sister and daughter.
Learn what it means to be the masterpiece of God.

How? How can He take pride in a canvas so very blemished with insecurities and sinful choices? How am I am called "holy" and "righteous" while holding this propensity to return to my "vomit"? How can He willingly sign His precious, powerful, beautiful name across my life? Why would He do that?

Grace. *sigh* Beautiful, beyond-logic grace.

Father, I'm glad we had this chat. :) Please help me as I learn to write again. You are great, and Your greatness is the strength within my weakness. I love You. Thank You for Your nearness.