Response

By now most of you know that I'm working through the process of writing a book. It covers infidelity in women: how to avoid it, what to do if you find yourself caught up, etc. I believe there is a void in the market of literary tools in this realm.

About 6 months ago, I put out a call for women to share their stories with me so I could use their experiences to help others. Unfortunately (and surprisingly) I have gotten very little response from people. I have a few theories about that, and I'm not worried. But as long as you're reading this. . . I NEED YOUR STORIES!!! :) I know they're out there. I've talked to enough of you to know that much. But I want them in your words.

Men too. I could really use your insight if you have experienced your wife's infidelity. How did you sort through it? What tips would you give other men or their wives on how to address the issue?

A precious friend of mine sent me her story this past week. It grieved me to hear all the things she has struggled with. I found myself pulling my way through the depth of pain in her past.

I was going to journal out my thoughts so they would be easy to add to the book's content with fresh feelings, but I thought I would "journal" them here in public. Why not share something that could possibly help someone now? And maybe my thoughts won't help anyone now, but it's worth putting it out there.

First, I want to disarm the theory that growing up with strong, male influences will stop a woman from seeking out the affections of another man. This particular friend, for instance has always had a solid, loving relationship with her father. Having only brothers elevated her almost to a position of royalty in her family. All of those men treated her right.

But once she got a glimpse of the power behind sex, she found it impossible to stop. Every relationship was empty and died.

It's that power that drives us. It's control, power, and security even. We like to know we're worth peoples' time and affection. That we could have someone "on the back burner" just in case.

It almost doesn't seem to matter that we're hurting the person we so deeply love. Or that we vowed to stand by his side through everything. The draw of "happiness" is a powerful illusion, masked in the term "love" in its most degradative state. We twist words and excuse our thoughts until we're wrapped so tightly in our own world that we can no longer see any relationship with clarity.

If we could just stay in the arms of our Creator Father and let all those insecurities melt into His infinite love and forgiveness. If we knew we were beautiful, cherished, important-- really knew. Like we know the sun will rise and set, we know the cold of snow and the wet of rain, we know the sound of a broken glass. If we understood our real value, would we still fall? Would we be lured away by empty promises of fulfillment?

This friend ran into an interesting truth while she was readying her story for me, and that is this. Her husband has forgiven her totally. It's a done deal. A closed case. It's not simply swept under the rug, growing and festering with the fertilizer of bitterness. He has forgiven her. It's the closest thing to Christ's forgiveness that she has experienced on earth.

I have another friend who has experienced the opposite. Despite her pleas for forgiveness and her squeaky clean record after her confession to her husband, he could not come to terms with his own fears and mistrust. He installed video cameras to spy on her and followed her to work. He began cheating on her and eventually came home drunk and pulled a gun on her. Needless to say, his lack of forgiveness drove them apart and eventually ended the marriage despite her attempts to secure it.

We have no control over whether someone accepts our apology. The hope is always that we'll get to experience an unimaginable sort of undeserved forgiveness like my first friend. The fear is ending up in a marriage where your efforts of giving and trying are returned with contempt and mistrust.

It may not be marital unfaithfulness you need to seek forgiveness for. Maybe you need to confront someone you've gossiped about. Maybe it's someone you've held a grudge against for years and have developed a tough shell of bitterness toward. Did you lie to someone? Did you say hurtful things in your anger? Whatever it is, ask forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a gift you leave at someone's proverbial doorstep. The apology releases you into their hands. It is up to the other person to accept their gift and free themselves from the burden of unforgiveness. Once the confession and apology have been made, your part is done. It is a difficult point to come to. I understand that. But shame and guilt from unconfessed wrongdoing cannot begin to drain from a heavy heart until light is shed onto the deed.

A wise Man once said "The truth will set you free." Seek it out and free your heart from anything you may be hiding. It may feel safer to hold to it, but the redeeming release of past faults is worth taking a risk to experience.