I had a baby last week. My third. Grocery shopping has now become a fear of mine. Not because I'm afraid of germs or crabby cashiers, but because I don't know how to transfer three wiggly, rambunctious, disruptive kids through a store with only one butt-holder per cart.
But you have to do what you have to do. So today I "manned" up and went out while the oldest one was in school. We left later than I wanted to. So in a rush, I buckled my little ones in their car seats and drove off, worried that the baby would NEED to eat in the slot of time we were there. Of course I can't modestly accomplish that task while walking the aisles. So the alternative is to let her cry it out while all the non-parents in the store glare us down like we're Iraqi rebels.
Regardless, we needed cereal. And milk. And other obnoxious things that shouldn't run out as fast as they do.
So we arrive. I haul the 97-pound infant carrier and guide the reluctant, wandering-sheep-of-a-two-year-old across the parking lot and into the doors where we're greeted by Ray.
Ray is a half-toothless, short, stocky, white-haired man who never fails to shout out his usual, "And how are the three of you today?" Of course the number in his greeting fluctuates based on the number of children tagging along. Sometimes the question is followed by a comment about the weather, and sometimes the conversation dies, leaving an awkwardness while kids get situated for their trip through the store.
Today I snapped the baby into the cart, plopped the toddler into the basket (with a firm warning about staying seated) and brushed past Ray, as he squeaked out a "May I?" We jerked to a stop. I peeled my mind from its focus on speed, precise efficiency, the list, and getting the heck out of there before the baby woke up. And since I was already nearly through the doors, I rewound my steps until I was standing by Ray. I was feeling a bit impatient, but everyone deserves to take a gander at my perfect baby, right?
He started pulling back on the crocheted blanket I had draped over her. And as her face became easier to see, I heard a lady behind me let out the typical "Awe," and I knew she was in on the peep show. I proudly declared that she was "one week old today." It was at that point I realized that he wasn't really looking at the baby at all, but at the blanket.
"Oh, my mom made that for her."
He nodded his head in affirmation. He said he could tell by the skill that it was hand made by someone who loved her. He said it's the colors that were chosen and the stitches that were sewn that tipped him off. His wife used to make things like that all the time, he said.
"I just lost my wife."
Suddenly all my cares about the shopping trip or the potential to have a screaming baby in the store completely dissipated. It didn't matter if my baby was one week old or five years old.
His eyes were glazed with a sad fondness. My expression must have given away more than I was intending because he quickly reassured me that it's a good memory and something great to be reminded of. His compliments to my mom.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
GKB Folder
I hate when I have hang-ups with God. I already know who's right and how it's going to end. I wish sometimes He would just hit me upside the head with some baseball bat of acceptance, replacing emotional turmoil with healing, physical pain. But He doesn't work that way. Boo.
It's been about a year now that I've been unable to put a certain issue to rest with God. It's something I was never personally faced with until then. For the most part, I had accepted it and tucked it away under the file "God knows best" (GKB) and moved on.
It resurfaced itself last weekend, and I was surprised at the amount of emotion and bitterness it pulled from my heart. Usually things in the GKB folder are safe and laid completely to rest. They're matters I've encountered, dealt with, and identified as being out of my control and simply in His hands. People can challenge my thinking, but if it's there, it's sealed.
Sometimes I wonder even, if I can credit myself with the gift of faith/trust because it comes so easily to me. I don't have trouble believing God will pull me through anything. I know my plans aren't His. I know that He knows (and wants) what's best for me. He's proven His love and trustworthiness to me over and over again. So even if I don't understand why or how things happen, why doubt? He's got my back.
This morning, while we were singing in church, I was reminded of another thing I wrestled Him on several years ago. I pined over it, but He continually told me to wait, rest, and trust Him. He never did give me an answer or a reason for His decline of my request. It too had been sorted into the GKB section of my life. And when it crossed my mind today, I became confused all over again, and asked the dangerous (and often un-answerable) question "Why?"
I began to think more about that GKB folder. How many things could I really fit into there without it tearing or bleeding out? Did I really trust Him?
Can I really trust Him?
Why would He hide things from me? I am His bride, His love. I have given my life to Him, and He gave His for me. Would He really just demand that I "suck it up" when I don't like what He's doing? As His beloved, that seems cruel.
While I was scanning these thoughts (and consequently crying like a child), they sang one of my favorite songs: "How He Loves." And nothing, no trace, of my mind doubts His enduring love for me. How can I believe so solidly in His love and yet deny its truth all in one breath of emotion? I'm still stumped.
Then I thought about how He's also my Father, which opens a completely new perspective. My 4-year-old doesn't necessarily deserve to know (nor would she understand) my reasons for every thing I do or don't allow. That concept resonates easily with me.
THEN I remembered that He's majestic and holy. And what business do I have demanding answers from Him? That concept always shuts me up.
Add to all that the grace He has extended to me. My friends, house, life, kids, health, marriage, talents, on and on. All that in addition to my forgiveness and eternity promised with Him?
"And all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory."
That is a line from "How He Loves." The song also talks about Him being a hurricane, and "I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His love and mercy." It reminds me of the conversation Rodney and I had with our valet driver in Puerto Rico about the ocean being analogous with God's love-- always, constantly coming at us, leaving us powerless to stop it.
I wish I could say that today's encounter cured me of the big hang-up I'm shoveling through. That my mind and hurt have been super-naturally healed. In fact, facing these thoughts surfaced more issues that I have placed with trust into the GKB slot. I have a feeling that's the enemy though.
The funny part is that this was all throughout communion. The time in my life where I thoroughly and honestly search my heart for resentment or bitterness toward anyone. Never would I have thought He was the one I would need to hash things out with.
It was interesting to me to learn that while I'm His love, I'm also His daughter, and I'm also simply part of His total creation. It's almost like a trinity of my own existence. They're all part of me, but they serve different roles in my communication with God. Maybe the next leg of this journey is to see how they can and do all work together. We'll see what kind of blog post THAT turns out to be :)
It's been about a year now that I've been unable to put a certain issue to rest with God. It's something I was never personally faced with until then. For the most part, I had accepted it and tucked it away under the file "God knows best" (GKB) and moved on.
It resurfaced itself last weekend, and I was surprised at the amount of emotion and bitterness it pulled from my heart. Usually things in the GKB folder are safe and laid completely to rest. They're matters I've encountered, dealt with, and identified as being out of my control and simply in His hands. People can challenge my thinking, but if it's there, it's sealed.
Sometimes I wonder even, if I can credit myself with the gift of faith/trust because it comes so easily to me. I don't have trouble believing God will pull me through anything. I know my plans aren't His. I know that He knows (and wants) what's best for me. He's proven His love and trustworthiness to me over and over again. So even if I don't understand why or how things happen, why doubt? He's got my back.
This morning, while we were singing in church, I was reminded of another thing I wrestled Him on several years ago. I pined over it, but He continually told me to wait, rest, and trust Him. He never did give me an answer or a reason for His decline of my request. It too had been sorted into the GKB section of my life. And when it crossed my mind today, I became confused all over again, and asked the dangerous (and often un-answerable) question "Why?"
I began to think more about that GKB folder. How many things could I really fit into there without it tearing or bleeding out? Did I really trust Him?
Can I really trust Him?
Why would He hide things from me? I am His bride, His love. I have given my life to Him, and He gave His for me. Would He really just demand that I "suck it up" when I don't like what He's doing? As His beloved, that seems cruel.
While I was scanning these thoughts (and consequently crying like a child), they sang one of my favorite songs: "How He Loves." And nothing, no trace, of my mind doubts His enduring love for me. How can I believe so solidly in His love and yet deny its truth all in one breath of emotion? I'm still stumped.
Then I thought about how He's also my Father, which opens a completely new perspective. My 4-year-old doesn't necessarily deserve to know (nor would she understand) my reasons for every thing I do or don't allow. That concept resonates easily with me.
THEN I remembered that He's majestic and holy. And what business do I have demanding answers from Him? That concept always shuts me up.
Add to all that the grace He has extended to me. My friends, house, life, kids, health, marriage, talents, on and on. All that in addition to my forgiveness and eternity promised with Him?
"And all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory."
That is a line from "How He Loves." The song also talks about Him being a hurricane, and "I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His love and mercy." It reminds me of the conversation Rodney and I had with our valet driver in Puerto Rico about the ocean being analogous with God's love-- always, constantly coming at us, leaving us powerless to stop it.
I wish I could say that today's encounter cured me of the big hang-up I'm shoveling through. That my mind and hurt have been super-naturally healed. In fact, facing these thoughts surfaced more issues that I have placed with trust into the GKB slot. I have a feeling that's the enemy though.
The funny part is that this was all throughout communion. The time in my life where I thoroughly and honestly search my heart for resentment or bitterness toward anyone. Never would I have thought He was the one I would need to hash things out with.
It was interesting to me to learn that while I'm His love, I'm also His daughter, and I'm also simply part of His total creation. It's almost like a trinity of my own existence. They're all part of me, but they serve different roles in my communication with God. Maybe the next leg of this journey is to see how they can and do all work together. We'll see what kind of blog post THAT turns out to be :)
Friday, April 1, 2011
April Fool's Blessing
April 1st. The nemesis of my happiness. The only day of the year that is intentionally set up to ruin peoples' day and make them feel stupid. And by "them" I'm referring to myself. I like being tricked, or "fooled," like a momma bear likes people messing with her cubs.
I do like seeing other people get it though. Like the year my sister-in-law handed a positive pregnancy test to my I'd-rather-cut-off-my-member-than-have-another-baby brother. *evil snicker* Or the year Google said they'd print off all our pictures for free with the "catch" of including ads on the back. Those stinkers.
Well I had an idea this year. I don't remember who came up with it, but it was several months ago, and I've been very excited to do it.
If you don't know, I'm due to have a baby tomorrow. I set my alarm to wake up at 2:30 this morning so I could post this on Facebook:
It's the ultimate "misplace your keys circumstance." Long story short, we didn't make it to the hospital. Baby was in a HURRY. And not a girl either! Healthy, hardy, Beck Hannity Holum was born at 1:12 am-- at home. We measure him at 23-1/4 inches. We're going to get some rest before heading to the clinic for weight and all that jazz. Please no phone calls for a bit :)
I even typed it up last night so all I would have to do is copy and paste it into my status and head back to bed. Did I mention I was excited? :)
But I laid in bed, restless. For one thing, I know how much I hate being duped. Secondly, have you ever heard the line from the movie Big Daddy, "We wasted the good 'surprise' on you!"?
In addition to that, I know my friends and family. And they're awesome. They'd be praying. They'd be planning meals. They would offer to help. They would look at sacrificially rearranging their schedules so my family could be cared for.
Around 1:30, I shut my alarm off.
God has put some incredible people in my life. I'm undeserving and selfish. Thank you all for sticking by me despite my quirks and junk :) I am SO very loved-- which isn't at all how I expected to feel on April Fool's day.
I do like seeing other people get it though. Like the year my sister-in-law handed a positive pregnancy test to my I'd-rather-cut-off-my-member-than-have-another-baby brother. *evil snicker* Or the year Google said they'd print off all our pictures for free with the "catch" of including ads on the back. Those stinkers.
Well I had an idea this year. I don't remember who came up with it, but it was several months ago, and I've been very excited to do it.
If you don't know, I'm due to have a baby tomorrow. I set my alarm to wake up at 2:30 this morning so I could post this on Facebook:
It's the ultimate "misplace your keys circumstance." Long story short, we didn't make it to the hospital. Baby was in a HURRY. And not a girl either! Healthy, hardy, Beck Hannity Holum was born at 1:12 am-- at home. We measure him at 23-1/4 inches. We're going to get some rest before heading to the clinic for weight and all that jazz. Please no phone calls for a bit :)
I even typed it up last night so all I would have to do is copy and paste it into my status and head back to bed. Did I mention I was excited? :)
But I laid in bed, restless. For one thing, I know how much I hate being duped. Secondly, have you ever heard the line from the movie Big Daddy, "We wasted the good 'surprise' on you!"?
In addition to that, I know my friends and family. And they're awesome. They'd be praying. They'd be planning meals. They would offer to help. They would look at sacrificially rearranging their schedules so my family could be cared for.
Around 1:30, I shut my alarm off.
God has put some incredible people in my life. I'm undeserving and selfish. Thank you all for sticking by me despite my quirks and junk :) I am SO very loved-- which isn't at all how I expected to feel on April Fool's day.
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