What are you called to?

"I am anointed to accomplish my assignment."

Steven Furtick

I'm a good mom. An awesome wife. An okay daughter. A great friend.

I'm also a disappointment and source of pain.

I can be kind and sensitive to my friend on the phone, but then turn around to snap at my 3-year-old who just wants "sum-fin to schwink, Mom-eeeee" (for the twelfth time in a row).

Our bedtime routine can be an open time of conversation, truth, love, and acceptance. It can also be a harsh, hurried cycle of shouting, frustration, and anger.

James 3:9-11 reads, "With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water."

So which is it? Who am I? How can I live out my calling to love others?

Well I listened to this sermon this week, which tweaked my perspective of that calling, just a bit. And it forced me to ask "What exactly am I called to?" So Saturday during church (naughty kid) I sat down and scrawled out a few missions I believe I am called by God in my life to fulfill.

• Daughter of the King: I am to love others, speak the truth in love, deepen my relationship with Him, and become holy.
• Wife: This begs that I be faithful, supportive, and respectful to my husband.
• Mother: I'm a woman who has been entrusted with three precious and malleable people. They need to know Jesus & His peace, they need to love others, and in order to do so, they also must understand their own value.
• Sister
• Daughter
• Small group leader: God has allowed me to do this in my home for over 10 years. That is not a position I take lightly.
• Worship Leader: The gift of music has been given to me, and I use it almost weekly alongside others to lead God's people into His presence. And through it, He exposes and changes my own heart.
• Friendship: The Lord has been pretty deliberate about who comes into and goes out of my line of vision. I am called to be a friend but also to protect my own heart. What a fine line that can be!

Now, if all I had to do was be a mom, I'm pretty sure I'd be the best dang mom there's ever been. Every sandwich would be heart- or dinosaur-shaped and there would be chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven every day for when they got off the bus (and they'd somehow be super healthy). Their toenails would never get too long. Love, peace, and joy would abound at all times in our home.

If all I had to do was play music, boy, I'd beat out any concert pianist. My oboe would soothe snakes, and the music wafting from my guitar strings would be known world-wide as the beauty of the mid-west.

But the truth is that I'm not called to just one thing; if all I did was cater to my babies, for instance, I'd miss out on a whole lot of friendship, ministry, and marriage.

So there's this tension I have to live in. You do too. We are not just one thing. God doesn't want us to be just one thing. He formed us each as uniquely complex, intelligent, and relational individuals. It's borderless. It's undefined. It's messy.

And it's beautiful.

And you know what? We'll never get it all right. Not all the time. This is an imperfect world, and we are imperfect people living in it. I think our Father smiles when He sees we're succeeding at doing our best. And I think His smile broadens when we realize that we aren't-- and that we can't, without Him.

Maybe I'm beginning to learn what the apostle Paul meant when he said, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me" (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Surrender

At church last night, we sang an oldie that's simply titled Surrender. It isn't one of my favorite songs by any means. When we sing those, I usually try to think more about the actual lyrics and what it means when I voice them. Sometimes I scrap the words altogether and just pray in song. Maybe that freaks some of you out. That's okay with me. :) We can go out to coffee and chat about our differences. I'll even buy!

Anyway, I was singing this song and asking God what things I needed to surrender to Him. Sometimes when I do this, He reveals things I hadn't even realized I was gripping so tightly. Last night, however, was not an elusive search for the unknown. Straight up, no doubt, it was my book.

If you know me at all, you know I'm a little (okay, maybe a lot) OCD. Once I get a project started, one of two things happens. Either things get intense and it gets d-o-n-e, or I let it completely fall to the side (somehow I reason that not touching the thing means not failing. It's odd). Well this book has fallen to the side a few times, but God was pretty persistent. I guess He has a worse case of OCD than I do. :)

Well now the thing's finally done. I know that the next two steps to tackle are writing a query (a concise, hooking, 3-paragraph synopsis of my 100-some page book and why everyone will want to read it) and then finding an agent who is interested in Christian adult nonfiction and who doesn't care about my inexperience or lack of platform (people "following" my writing).

Rodney is out of town on a business trip. So once my kids are in bed, I have the time all to myself. And I tell you what-- I have attacked this like a mama on her kid's bully. I have researched and taken notes and learned and researched (took a break for some chips) and burned my retinas researching some more. Part of me is certain that I can educate away my fears. That if I can just get all the pieces lined up to see (or at least all in the same basket), that things will be fine.

But I'm still scared to death.

I'm scared that it will never be published. I'm scared that God won't come through. I'm scared that someone else is going to write the same basic book (because at LEAST 50% of women have had my experience) and get it out there before I do. I'm scared that the heart I have poured into this work will be wasted.

The only logical thing to do with this urgency is to work harder and faster and accomplish more and and and. . .

Breathe.

Surrender.

It is unquestioned that I have been called to this. God has walked me through so much of my writing, my research, my resources, my experiences. He has given Rodney the grace to send me out on writing weekends and support me wholly.

I know this project belongs to God, yet I'm busy ripping the reigns out of His capable hands as if my hurry and fear is going to work better than His timing and planning.

There is an uncomfortable tension that I need to walk in. God doesn't call people to tasks that doesn't require action of some sort. Nor will He call us to something He will not also equip us to do.

Noah & the boys had to pick up a hammer and nails. The Israelites had to get up each morning and circle Jericho. Moses had to face some nasty confrontations with Pharaoh and raise his staff to the Red Sea. David had to look up into the face of Goliath and start slinging that stone.

There is always action tied to God's calling. But because of that action, the ark's door shut and it floated, the walls of Jericho fell, the Israelites were freed & the Red Sea parted, and Goliath died from one stone. That was God. Each of those men did their part while surrendering the outcome of their calling.

But I am still scared. And this part is where I choose to unclench my fists and allow faith to do its thing. God has never proven Himself untrustworthy in my life. And Philippians 1:6 says that if He started a good work in me, He will carry it through to completion. What "completion" looks like to Him may not be what it looks like to me. And I have to be okay with that.

Tomorrow is "media free Monday" in our house, and it's never been more timely. :)

Query, you can wait.