Surrender

At church last night, we sang an oldie that's simply titled Surrender. It isn't one of my favorite songs by any means. When we sing those, I usually try to think more about the actual lyrics and what it means when I voice them. Sometimes I scrap the words altogether and just pray in song. Maybe that freaks some of you out. That's okay with me. :) We can go out to coffee and chat about our differences. I'll even buy!

Anyway, I was singing this song and asking God what things I needed to surrender to Him. Sometimes when I do this, He reveals things I hadn't even realized I was gripping so tightly. Last night, however, was not an elusive search for the unknown. Straight up, no doubt, it was my book.

If you know me at all, you know I'm a little (okay, maybe a lot) OCD. Once I get a project started, one of two things happens. Either things get intense and it gets d-o-n-e, or I let it completely fall to the side (somehow I reason that not touching the thing means not failing. It's odd). Well this book has fallen to the side a few times, but God was pretty persistent. I guess He has a worse case of OCD than I do. :)

Well now the thing's finally done. I know that the next two steps to tackle are writing a query (a concise, hooking, 3-paragraph synopsis of my 100-some page book and why everyone will want to read it) and then finding an agent who is interested in Christian adult nonfiction and who doesn't care about my inexperience or lack of platform (people "following" my writing).

Rodney is out of town on a business trip. So once my kids are in bed, I have the time all to myself. And I tell you what-- I have attacked this like a mama on her kid's bully. I have researched and taken notes and learned and researched (took a break for some chips) and burned my retinas researching some more. Part of me is certain that I can educate away my fears. That if I can just get all the pieces lined up to see (or at least all in the same basket), that things will be fine.

But I'm still scared to death.

I'm scared that it will never be published. I'm scared that God won't come through. I'm scared that someone else is going to write the same basic book (because at LEAST 50% of women have had my experience) and get it out there before I do. I'm scared that the heart I have poured into this work will be wasted.

The only logical thing to do with this urgency is to work harder and faster and accomplish more and and and. . .

Breathe.

Surrender.

It is unquestioned that I have been called to this. God has walked me through so much of my writing, my research, my resources, my experiences. He has given Rodney the grace to send me out on writing weekends and support me wholly.

I know this project belongs to God, yet I'm busy ripping the reigns out of His capable hands as if my hurry and fear is going to work better than His timing and planning.

There is an uncomfortable tension that I need to walk in. God doesn't call people to tasks that doesn't require action of some sort. Nor will He call us to something He will not also equip us to do.

Noah & the boys had to pick up a hammer and nails. The Israelites had to get up each morning and circle Jericho. Moses had to face some nasty confrontations with Pharaoh and raise his staff to the Red Sea. David had to look up into the face of Goliath and start slinging that stone.

There is always action tied to God's calling. But because of that action, the ark's door shut and it floated, the walls of Jericho fell, the Israelites were freed & the Red Sea parted, and Goliath died from one stone. That was God. Each of those men did their part while surrendering the outcome of their calling.

But I am still scared. And this part is where I choose to unclench my fists and allow faith to do its thing. God has never proven Himself untrustworthy in my life. And Philippians 1:6 says that if He started a good work in me, He will carry it through to completion. What "completion" looks like to Him may not be what it looks like to me. And I have to be okay with that.

Tomorrow is "media free Monday" in our house, and it's never been more timely. :)

Query, you can wait.