GKB Folder

I hate when I have hang-ups with God. I already know who's right and how it's going to end. I wish sometimes He would just hit me upside the head with some baseball bat of acceptance, replacing emotional turmoil with healing, physical pain. But He doesn't work that way. Boo.

It's been about a year now that I've been unable to put a certain issue to rest with God. It's something I was never personally faced with until then. For the most part, I had accepted it and tucked it away under the file "God knows best" (GKB) and moved on.

It resurfaced itself last weekend, and I was surprised at the amount of emotion and bitterness it pulled from my heart. Usually things in the GKB folder are safe and laid completely to rest. They're matters I've encountered, dealt with, and identified as being out of my control and simply in His hands. People can challenge my thinking, but if it's there, it's sealed.

Sometimes I wonder even, if I can credit myself with the gift of faith/trust because it comes so easily to me. I don't have trouble believing God will pull me through anything. I know my plans aren't His. I know that He knows (and wants) what's best for me. He's proven His love and trustworthiness to me over and over again. So even if I don't understand why or how things happen, why doubt? He's got my back.

This morning, while we were singing in church, I was reminded of another thing I wrestled Him on several years ago. I pined over it, but He continually told me to wait, rest, and trust Him. He never did give me an answer or a reason for His decline of my request. It too had been sorted into the GKB section of my life. And when it crossed my mind today, I became confused all over again, and asked the dangerous (and often un-answerable) question "Why?"

I began to think more about that GKB folder. How many things could I really fit into there without it tearing or bleeding out? Did I really trust Him?

Can I really trust Him?

Why would He hide things from me? I am His bride, His love. I have given my life to Him, and He gave His for me. Would He really just demand that I "suck it up" when I don't like what He's doing? As His beloved, that seems cruel.

While I was scanning these thoughts (and consequently crying like a child), they sang one of my favorite songs: "How He Loves." And nothing, no trace, of my mind doubts His enduring love for me. How can I believe so solidly in His love and yet deny its truth all in one breath of emotion? I'm still stumped.

Then I thought about how He's also my Father, which opens a completely new perspective. My 4-year-old doesn't necessarily deserve to know (nor would she understand) my reasons for every thing I do or don't allow. That concept resonates easily with me.

THEN I remembered that He's majestic and holy. And what business do I have demanding answers from Him? That concept always shuts me up.

Add to all that the grace He has extended to me. My friends, house, life, kids, health, marriage, talents, on and on. All that in addition to my forgiveness and eternity promised with Him?

"And all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory."

That is a line from "How He Loves." The song also talks about Him being a hurricane, and "I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His love and mercy." It reminds me of the conversation Rodney and I had with our valet driver in Puerto Rico about the ocean being analogous with God's love-- always, constantly coming at us, leaving us powerless to stop it.

I wish I could say that today's encounter cured me of the big hang-up I'm shoveling through. That my mind and hurt have been super-naturally healed. In fact, facing these thoughts surfaced more issues that I have placed with trust into the GKB slot. I have a feeling that's the enemy though.

The funny part is that this was all throughout communion. The time in my life where I thoroughly and honestly search my heart for resentment or bitterness toward anyone. Never would I have thought He was the one I would need to hash things out with.

It was interesting to me to learn that while I'm His love, I'm also His daughter, and I'm also simply part of His total creation. It's almost like a trinity of my own existence. They're all part of me, but they serve different roles in my communication with God. Maybe the next leg of this journey is to see how they can and do all work together. We'll see what kind of blog post THAT turns out to be :)