Can't

Yesterday was day one of my absence from Facebook.

In the beginning of the day, I felt an enormous pull toward the site. I was caught off guard by how strong the urge was. And with each conscious decision I made to uphold this deal I've made with myself, I felt a little more alone. Not in a lonely, forlorn sense of the word. But I couldn't see what all my friends or even "friends" were doing and thinking. It was more like isolation.

In addition to that, I couldn't share my world with those outside my house. For instance, I cooked pot roast yesterday, and it smelled so good that I wanted to eat my own arm. I utilized the method of oven bags, and I wanted input from other users and hear their experience with the bags.

Today I fried up cabbage and thought of my sister-in-law Erica the whole time because I know how much she loves it.

I also sat around in my jammies until 1:30 this afternoon, which hasn't happened in ages.

And I WANT TO SHARE!!! On the other hand, I realize how trivial these things are.

There's just something about the inability to do something I know I COULD do that makes it all the more enticing.

Last summer, for instance, I was scheduled to play with my band 513FREE at an outdoor event. Everything was set up and ready to go when it started to rain. We hustled around wrapping up cords, disassembling the drum kit, and so on. My keyboard was tossed into the back of someone else's nearby vehicle where we decided it could stay until I would meet back up with the band the following week.

I have not ever wanted to play my piano as badly as I did that week. It wasn't there, I couldn't do it, and it left a void. A longing.

It's the same way when Rodney goes out of town. When he's home, I don't care that he's at work all day and even out with the guys some nights. But when he's gone and I can't have him around, I want him here all the time.

There's just something about the word "can't." In teenagers, it stirs up rebellion. It caused Adam and Eve's fall. It motivates men to overcome things. The word seems to trigger the response of a sort of panicked grasping for control.

Anyway, today has been better. I'm learning to rest in the "quiet" of my mind without all the thoughts of my Facebook friends cluttering it up. I'm trying to direct my thoughts more toward the task of working on my book and being efficient with my time. And while I can't yet see finite results of this huge time-taker's elimination, I am beginning to feel a sense of my ability to move past it.