This afternoon, my kids were sleeping and the only sound in the house was the dryer dragging zippers and snaps along its belly walls. I poured the last of my egg nog into a small cup and sat down with my Bible and some scratch paper.
I began praying through the things on my mind: friends having trouble, people in need of healing, etc. My husband passed through, so I prayed for him too. But it only served to remind me of how terrible our date night went last night. It wasn't "terrible" like an exciting movie. It was just full of apathy and disagreement. Not arguing even. Just irritating, stubborn, uncompromising back and forth.
"What do you want to do now?"
"Let's go to the mall and just walk around."
"I don't feel like walking. I'm too full from dinner."
"Well we could just go to the book store and chill."
"I don't really want to go to the mall at all."
"Okay, let's go grab a game and sit at Caribou and play."
"I'm too full to get anything from Caribou. We could go hang out at the office and watch Netflix."
On and on we went, wasting fuel and quickly losing any semblance of the needed "spark" that date nights can throw into the marital relationship.
So in addition to praying for my husband, I asked God to bless our marriage with a fullness. To take away my expectations that are so often the cause of our disputes. To let me truly be a help mate and be excited about it.
I started also to pray for the marriages of people around me. Couple after couple after couple I listed off to God. All of us living "okay" marriages. And I started to wonder what the deal was with that?
When we're first dating, we're excited to see each other-- to spend time together. It doesn't matter what our friends think or if we actually have the time or money to do it, we WILL be with that amazing person. And when we're not with them, we think and talk about them constantly.
If a couple dates long enough before exchanging rings, the relationship begins to have obligation tossed into it. The newness wears off, and you say things to "the guys" like "I'll be late tonight. My girl wants to spend some time with me." And while you may not mind it terribly at that point, there comes a time when the wife's desire to invade "Man Night" is an irritating nuisance.
At this point in my life, my husband and I have 2 nights a week that aren't scheduled with things. They are precious nights that only warrant a few options: 1) have people over/entertain guests, 2) one person can go out while the other stays home with kids, 3) we can both go out on a date, or 4) we can stay home and spend time with the kids together.
Who wants 4 options? When I stood at the alter and said "I do," I don't remember a part in there that said "I promise to make our lives too busy to enjoy each other."
Why do we live like this? When couples date, they mainly have evenings free to be together, right? And aren't some of those nights busy too? What about money? Were there not consequences to our foolish spending on one another back then? Why are we so afraid to spend it on each other now?
I really really want to know these things. If I'm writing a book about marriage, I feel like I need answers to basic things like this. So now it's your turn. What are you "two cents?"
I called my ex, today, just to hear his voice. Don't let that happen to you,
ReplyDeleteYou are right on the money. Prior to Rick going to basic training, our marriage was adequate, not great, not horrible, but we didn't really do anything together. I truly, now, understand that he believes if you are in the same place (room, house, car, whatever) you are spending time together. I have has to explain the importance of quality time, not distracted by this, that, or the other thing that comes up. When he left, he was going to be gone for 3 months, I started talking about him much more, we wrote letters, I yerned forthw once a week phone calls where I could pour out my undying love for him and hear the same in return. The he came home for 2 weeks and I had all these expectations and plans, he just wanted to chill and relax, so fighting soon started. By the end of the two weeks I was crying because I didn't want him to be gone. This time he was gone for 5 month, but we had daily contact. We still grew closer and u got to visit him every 6 weeks, our time together was precious and we made it a point not to be distracted! It was a total of 9 months from the beginning of basic training until we lived together again, it changed us, we hadn't slept in the same bed for almost 6 months. Now facing another extended absence, I know that our past experience will help with the upcoming hardship. I know that I appreciate him more because I have done everything alone and it is much better having a help mate. I just try to remember to be his help mate, not so needy or demanding.
ReplyDeleteI think, as little girls, our heads are filled with wonder about boys and we believe the fairy tales and all the stories of romance, but the movies aren't about the day to day life, they are about something significant, falling in love, finding someone, dealing with a problem or hardship, but they don't deal with the everyday, like laundry, meals, screaming kids, knowing how to keep connected. I also think women read too much into what men are thinking, I'm guilty too, they really will, most the time, tell you when something is bothering them or if they don't like something. They aren't nearly as passive-aggressive as women are, stereotypically.
Marriage is work, it's hard, but at the end of the day, you get to have your best friend, your biggest fan, and the person ho knows you better than anyone else next to you!
We had time and money to spend on each other when we were dating because we took the time and prioritized the relationship in regards to the money, we made sacrifices. When we get married, it is too easy to take each other for granted. So live each day as if it was your last and live each other passionately because we never really know how long we have together.
Hmmm... should I start? I know in my heart, though the ongoing sermon has yet to change my life, that this boils down to identity. If we were TRULY hidden in Christ, we would not place unwarranted expectations and stipulations on one another. It's why Christ and Paul both said it was better, if you could handle it, not to marry. 1 Cor. 7:28-35.
ReplyDeleteWe get caught up in our pursuits: ministry, children, ministry, personal dreams, ministry...(:) you can't tell what our time thief if, can you?)
I believe, and have witnessed in my own life, that when we are truly seeking Christ first and walking in the constant counsel of the Holy Spirit, things are much closer to that early time. Gary Smalley calls it the "wow" factor, I think - but when we are found in Christ and listening to the Holy Spirit in our every move, we have more honor for others. We are "wowed" by our husbands again - rather than wallowing in the present disappointment of our unmet expectations.
Nothing can return life to that pre-child, pre-mortgage time of bliss, but the "spark," as you call it, can be revisited. AND, I find the more I am hidden in/found in Christ, the more I discover those secret passions and desires were not placed in my soul for my HUSBAND to fulfill, but for communion with HIS Spirit alone.
Our culture tells us we are to fight for all we desire, but it still is not working. The Word, on the other hand, tells us to lose all we desire in Him, and only there, can all we truly desire be truly found.
Let's keep fighting for it. You're not alone. Thanks for bringing truth to light. xoxo
A few thoughts...having been married a few more years than you...:)
ReplyDeleteI believe all marriages go through seasons. And yes, you will have those apathetic seasons. You can either choose to renew the spark yourself (which requires total unselfishness and is very difficult to do) or wait for God to do it. He brings circumstances into our life which allow for the possibility of ignition of our passion for each other. Sometimes we miss it, again usually because we are caught up in our own selfishness.
I also think the spark looks different as you get older. My husband and I may not behave the way we did when we were dating, but that's a reflection of the people we've come to be as we've grown and matured. And that's not a bad thing! My heart still leaps when he grabs my hand or gives me a hug. :)
That being said, you are right to pour your passion into the Lover of your soul. But communion with His Spirit is not strictly for us alone. It is bound to spill over into all of our relationships, especially with our spouse.
The 4 options part especially resonates with me. It's been something I've had to work on as far as cutting out things, good and bad, to make time for the 3 most important people in my life.
ReplyDeleteI've been feeling like God wants me to invest in my marriage (and kids) with the majority of my time and energy right now. But it is really hard for me since I love to be busy and do all sorts of fun things with lots of people (as you know!) It is especially hard not to pour myself into other activities/ people that validate me, particularly when things aren't going as well at home. I think busyness is of the devil, at least in my life. The bright side is, it definitely seems like the more attention I give my relationship, the better things are.